My Cup of Teh Stupid Runneth Over
Posted by Silver James in On Being a Writer, tags: silly, Tuesday, wtf
I know Mercury is in retrograde. I know yesterday was Monday. But teh stupid was rolling uphill. All day. Just sayin’. Srsly. Here’s a sample of what I faced yesterday (and how sad is it that the most exercise I get in a day is walking through Walmart?):
1. If you go out in public wearing pink rollers in your hair and you’re driving a car with a bumper sticker pertaining to the rapture, you DESERVE to go through eternity with those damn things stuck in your hair!
2. If you can’t walk and talk on the phone at the same time (Hello! You lost your shoe…), what makes you think you can drive?
3. If you let your child sit in the toddler cart with no safety strap, you are stupid enough to step on said kid when he falls out on the floor. Do not blame the kid for your big feet.
4. If you are pushing a fully loaded cart, your mother is pushing a babystroller, and your six-year-old is pushing an empty cart, DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE THREE ABREAST TO DISCUSS THE VIRTUES OF TACO BELL COMPARED TO OLD EL PASO!
5. Hey, lady! (Using that term VERY loosely!) If your child takes a bite out of an apple and you hide it back in the stack of apples, do not be offended when the produce manager approaches you and asks you to buy the freakin’ apple!
6. You! Yes, you with the full cart. I’m talkin’ to you! Do not even look at the 20 Items or Less lane. Don’t go there. No. You’re going there! Do not make me hurt you.
7. Dude! That’s Clorox bleach. Why are you taking off the lid to smell it? And why did you lay it down on it’s side in your basket with the lid put back on crooked (and leaving a drip trail in your wake)?
8. Lady? At 5’3″ and at least 300 pounds, they don’t make a thong your size. Promise! (I wonder where the guy with the bleach is? I need some for my eyes!)
9. If my eyes water as I pass you in the aisle, I don’t think there is enough room freshener in the whole freakin’ store to take care of the problem. Just sayin’.
10. I got my summons to Jury Duty in the mail. Oh joy. October will be interesting…*headdesk*
So…have you been surround by people eating bowls of stupid today? Tell us about it…share your misery with us!
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I do believe those scenes are played out in every Walmart across the country. Either that or the same stupid people are a traveling circus and they visited my Walmart not too long ago.
Most of the stupid I run into, almost literally at times, is on the road. How did so many idiots get a license? Are the really driving with one? Here, stop signs appear to be optional, along with red lights. I never go as soon as the light turns green. Hell, even by waiting, I still got t-boned a year ago- that will be on Thursday.
Where the heck has the year gone?!? Holy crap batman!!
I should email you the one Lawyer Guy sent me…REAL photos of people who shop at Wallyworld. I’ll see if I can’t find it in the archives. *bwahaha*
As long as you don’t use them for a Saturday Brunch!!!
Would I do that to y’all?
Great list and I believe Ev is right, they are a traveling circus and they do visit every Walmart in North America. She’s also right on the road stupidity (Yikes on the accident, Ev). My favorite is watching someone try and put on her makeup while driving down a four lane highway. It doesn’t matter how pretty you look if you’re scrunched underneath a semi truck with blood gushing out of your head! And traffic signs/lights are not ‘guidelines’.
OK, it’s too early to go on a tangent. Take a deep breath, Silver, regain calm in your ‘safe from Walmart circus people’ home, and get writing. Oh, and sorry about the jury call
Okay, now I’ve got Cher’s song GYPSIES, TRAMPS, AND THIEVES playing on an endless loop in my brain. LOL
One of the local channels did a series on “Driving while InTexticating”. Scary that people need to be reminded.
Jury duty could be interesting. I suspect, given my background, that I won’t ever see the inside of a jury box, but I plan to do some serious people watching and writing, even if it’s by hand in a notebook. No laptops.
That was the 6th time my Rav had been hit in the 7 years I had it. I think it had a big target on it. However, I was always able to drive away from all of them and no one was ever hurt. I did get rid of it this year tho- just couldn’t handle one more BOOM!!!
When I drove Chevy Blazers, every last one of them was involved in a wreck with Mercedes sedans, one time while it was parked in a full parking lot! The Mercedes jumped out of gear and rolled downhill, hitting my car. Out of 300 cars, it hit MINE!
Have I mentioned that I love Drover, my Toyota Highlander? LOL
Are you sure you weren’t in my Walmart on Saturday? I haven’t had enough coffee yet to rant, but will come back I promise.
Scary how universal it is, isn’t it?
wow … just wow …
I wish I was making it up. I really, truly do.
I only wish #8 was true. But you and I know otherwise.
You didn’t need to remind me. I’m sure that photo scarred my psyche for life!
Aw Silver, your day sounds terrible, but is so funny the way you describe it. I can picture all the little scenarios. Sorry about jury duty though…here is to hoping that you don’t get called, unless you can use it as “research” for your next book. I hope you had a great day. Thanks for the laughs.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
You’re welcome, Paula. We all need more laughter in our lives and I meant it to be humorous. I’m actually rather looking forward to jury duty. I love people watching…though I have the feeling I will get my quota of stupid during that week!